Changes

It's funny how life changes you. I was a mother, wife, and homemaker for so long. It was my identity. It was how I saw myself. It was how I valued myself.

Now I'm going to be a single mom, divorced woman, working mom. I don't know this new identity yet. I'm scared of these changes. I have no value in this new role yet.

These were not the changes I was looking for. I was not given a choice. I had this forced on me. It isn't fair.

One Month Ago....

One month ago I got a text that flipped my world upside down.

One month ago I heard the words, "I don't think I love you any more."

One month ago I demanded, cried, begged, pleaded and bargained.

One month ago I didn't know how I was going to live with a broken heart.

One month ago I quit sleeping, eating, breathing with out pain.

One month ago I learned to lean on others for support.

One month ago I learned just how BIG my God really was.

One month ago I started my journey learning who God really wanted me to be.

One month ago.

A Good Day

Today was a good day.

It was filled with people who love and support me.

It had beautiful fall flowers.

It had my children's smiling faces.

It had an amazing supper created by my own hands.

It was filled with love.

It was a great day!

Sleep

Sleep is something I have taken for granted. Now I recognize it for it's true worth.

When my boys were babies, I expected to go with out it. I was younger. I was a stay at home mom so I napped when they napped. Lack of sleep equaled no big deal.

Fast forward many years. I'm older, learning to be a single mom of rough aged kids and I need all the sleep I can get. And sleep has not been my friend. It has decided to not stick around when I needed it to. It is elusive and often laughs in my exhausted face.

But last night, I finally captured a full night of sleep. It was so nice. I was so happy when my eyes popped open at 5AM. Two months ago I'd of been horrified to think 5am was a good time to wake up. I'm not known for being a morning person.

Here's to hoping that sleep will be here for the long run now.

Even though I still feel like I need a nap.

Dissapointment

Yup that about sums up my feelings today. Shocked and dissapointed.

When people only focus on the bad and refuse to remember the good. And there was so much more good than bad.

When accusations are flung that have no grounds and unhappiness abounds.

So, I'm once again picking up the pieces and putting one foot in front of the other.

Inhale, exhale, pray.

My Christmas Kid

M: Mama, if Daddy doesn't come home by Christmas, I don't want you to buy me anything.

Me: M! Don't you worry about Christmas! We will have presents! I promise.

M: No, you will need all the money for other things so no presents.

Me: Yes M, you will have presents. You don't have to give up Christmas. Daddy and I will work out something. I promise.

M is my Christmas kid. He LOVES everything about Christmas. From the moment he understood what it was, he fell completely head over heels in love with the season. It is a magical time of year for him.

His biggest act of generosity is giving up his favorite thing.

It breaks my heart.

It makes me so proud.

It makes me determined that he will not have to give up Christmas because of his dad's and my mess.

I love my Christmas Kid!

Baby Steps

I'm taking baby steps to save my marriage. I have big, grandiose dreams of "If I only..." "If he only..." "If we could only...." but the reality is, it's all about the baby steps.

So tomorrow our baby steps will lead us to having supper as a family again. At the table. All together. Like we haven't done in ages.

And then in a week our baby steps will take us to counseling together. Hopefully that will lead to many more sessions.

Baby steps.