Changes

It's funny how life changes you. I was a mother, wife, and homemaker for so long. It was my identity. It was how I saw myself. It was how I valued myself.

Now I'm going to be a single mom, divorced woman, working mom. I don't know this new identity yet. I'm scared of these changes. I have no value in this new role yet.

These were not the changes I was looking for. I was not given a choice. I had this forced on me. It isn't fair.

One Month Ago....

One month ago I got a text that flipped my world upside down.

One month ago I heard the words, "I don't think I love you any more."

One month ago I demanded, cried, begged, pleaded and bargained.

One month ago I didn't know how I was going to live with a broken heart.

One month ago I quit sleeping, eating, breathing with out pain.

One month ago I learned to lean on others for support.

One month ago I learned just how BIG my God really was.

One month ago I started my journey learning who God really wanted me to be.

One month ago.

A Good Day

Today was a good day.

It was filled with people who love and support me.

It had beautiful fall flowers.

It had my children's smiling faces.

It had an amazing supper created by my own hands.

It was filled with love.

It was a great day!

Sleep

Sleep is something I have taken for granted. Now I recognize it for it's true worth.

When my boys were babies, I expected to go with out it. I was younger. I was a stay at home mom so I napped when they napped. Lack of sleep equaled no big deal.

Fast forward many years. I'm older, learning to be a single mom of rough aged kids and I need all the sleep I can get. And sleep has not been my friend. It has decided to not stick around when I needed it to. It is elusive and often laughs in my exhausted face.

But last night, I finally captured a full night of sleep. It was so nice. I was so happy when my eyes popped open at 5AM. Two months ago I'd of been horrified to think 5am was a good time to wake up. I'm not known for being a morning person.

Here's to hoping that sleep will be here for the long run now.

Even though I still feel like I need a nap.

Dissapointment

Yup that about sums up my feelings today. Shocked and dissapointed.

When people only focus on the bad and refuse to remember the good. And there was so much more good than bad.

When accusations are flung that have no grounds and unhappiness abounds.

So, I'm once again picking up the pieces and putting one foot in front of the other.

Inhale, exhale, pray.

My Christmas Kid

M: Mama, if Daddy doesn't come home by Christmas, I don't want you to buy me anything.

Me: M! Don't you worry about Christmas! We will have presents! I promise.

M: No, you will need all the money for other things so no presents.

Me: Yes M, you will have presents. You don't have to give up Christmas. Daddy and I will work out something. I promise.

M is my Christmas kid. He LOVES everything about Christmas. From the moment he understood what it was, he fell completely head over heels in love with the season. It is a magical time of year for him.

His biggest act of generosity is giving up his favorite thing.

It breaks my heart.

It makes me so proud.

It makes me determined that he will not have to give up Christmas because of his dad's and my mess.

I love my Christmas Kid!

Baby Steps

I'm taking baby steps to save my marriage. I have big, grandiose dreams of "If I only..." "If he only..." "If we could only...." but the reality is, it's all about the baby steps.

So tomorrow our baby steps will lead us to having supper as a family again. At the table. All together. Like we haven't done in ages.

And then in a week our baby steps will take us to counseling together. Hopefully that will lead to many more sessions.

Baby steps.

Thinking....

I'm a thinker. I like to think things through to find out why they are happening or what needs to be fixed to find the best way to fix it.

This tendency has extended itself to my marriage. I'm thinking about it all the time. What did I do wrong? What can I do to fix it? Why did this have to happen? Doesn't he know just how much he's hurting me? What can I do to help him feel more loved and show him what an important person he is to me?

Thinking, thinking, always thinking!

Sometimes this can be good. But right now, it's driving me nuts. I can't shut my brain off. I'm always looking for the answers. AAAHHHHH!

This is something I'm struggling with giving up to God. I've given him my marriage. I've given him my weakness. I've given him my patience. But thinking? Not so much. And I should too.

I tend to be controlling. I'm working on that too. I'm much better than I used to be. But my anxiety over this is still dogging me. My need to look for answers is becoming a tad bit obsessive. And I'm not sure how to make it stop.

So today I will pray that God lift this burden from my shoulders as I'm slowly becoming anxiety filled over it. I have to let it go. It's hard but I know I do. Because He can't do His best work in this situation until I do....

Compassion, Forgiveness and Love

Three years ago my cousin was forced to walk this similar path I am now walking. She managed it with great dignity and grace and the most forgiving and loving spirit no matter her circumstances.

I never understood how she could love someone who walked away. He didn't deserve that special treatment of unending love. By golly, if my husband ever left me I'd kick his butt to the curb so fast his head would spin. I'd slam that door shut, throw the deadbolt and change the locks. He'd better think twice about ever even considering that option. I went so far as to tell my husband my feeling on this.

Jump ahead three years and now those words have come back to haunt me. Now my husband is emotionally shut down. He has no feelings what so ever towards me, or so he says. Boy, did that hurt. And I can't help but wonder if my proclamations of three years ago have something to do with it.

Instead of him feeling free to tell me what was wrong, he ran away. He couldn't trust me to love him through this struggle. And I did it with my own cold heart and stubborn words. It makes me sad. And I hurt. For him, for me, for my kids.

Now I know how she could choose love over hate. It is the only choice I have. I love him. Even though he's hurt me so badly. Because I hurt him too. And I have compassion for him. I have compassion for my cousin. Now I know. And I forgive him for hurting me and I hope one day, he'll forgive me too.

Compassion, forgiveness, and love, the three greatest gifts we were ever given.

Now I know. And I am so thankful for this knowledge.

Putting the Pieces Back Together...Again!

So after yesterday of why me's, I'm so broken, and it hurts so bad to just breathe, today I'm putting the pieces back together.

Today I'm picking all the pieces of my broken heart up and putting them back together. Again. And sadly, I'm finding it easier to do each time it happens. My reliance on God to be my strength helps tremendously. Reaching out to others so I'm not alone helps. Writing it down both on paper and this blog helps. Being shown by my crazy but wonderful family how much I'm loved is a HUGE help, HUGE!

So today I drug myself out of bed and forced one foot in front of the other and got moving forward again. I smiled for my kids. I found joy in the sunshine. I am thankful for being allowed one more day to make things right again.

Don't get me wrong, I still cry when I need to but I won't allow myself a pity party again for a while. They aren't helpful in this situation. Instead I hug my kids, lean on family members who offer shoulders and most important of all, I pray. Daily. Sometimes between breaths just to make it through.

Because I have no choice but to make it through. And become a better person because of this struggle.

Broken

Broken. My heart, my marriage, my self esteem, my trust are all broken.

How does one pick up all those pieces?